I swear on everything I have left - Rich keeps sending me this song. He did from the beginning of this nightmare. I keep hearing it. I'm not a huge Elton John fan, but this song, that I keep hearing, sends me into a silent hysterics. I know he is sending it to me.

Don't wish it away
Don't look at it like it's forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get better

And while I'm away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won't be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I'm your man

Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

This is not forever. We'll be together again. My soul just needs to learn certain lessons while I'm here. I have to learn them to be with him again. And, I will learn them. I'll force myself to get through the next 40+ years. I'll do it for him, our children and my soul. But, I'll do it only to be with him. I know if I leave now I won't get to be with him. I can't wait to see him. We'll laugh and run and hug and cry. I miss him so much.

And what's kinda funny is, on October 29, 2003, he wrote a journal entry toying with the idea of being Elton John for Halloween for a Break Up Society show. He wrote, "Maybe I'll be Elton John. Young drug-thin Elton, not the older, wig-wearing queen Elton." Instead, he went as an inmate of Allegheny County Jail. He wore actual "reds" from the institution. I used to be a teacher there before we moved to San Francisco. I probably should not go into how I acquired a pair of inmate attire, or "reds". Those correctional officers get themselves into enough trouble without me telling on what they give civilian employees! Nonetheless, it's a great costume - it even comes with prison issue shoes, and a homemade shank!
I'm almost relieved the anniversary of his death is over. For months I could not even say that my cell phone was dead or the batteries in one of Madi's toys was dead. It's such a final and horrifying word. I run into too many people who do not know what it means.

I've decided to try hard to not let dates dictate my existence. Now, that it has been a year I hope to stop thinking things like, Last year at this time, he had an anxiety attack in Giant Eagle while we were purchasing supplies for Madi's second birthday party. Last year at this time, he told his PCP he had excruciating pain in his abdomen and the doctor diagnosed him with a urinary tract infection and prescribed Cipro. He told me it made him so sick that he would have rather had anthrax. Last year at this time, the ophthalmologist asked him if he had a liver disease. Last year at this time, the PCP said - if only the tests in July showed something. Last year at this time - Rich staggered down the stairs while listening to a Sesame Street Live commercial. He said, "I hope I feel better by then." I said, "Of course, you will." Last year at this time, he was buried. Rich had Sesame Street Live tickets for January 17, 2004. That was the day he was buried. Everyday my mind watches him try to come down those stairs as if nothing is wrong. I believed it when I told him he would be okay to take Madi to that show. He hid his pain from me. Steve and Linda Hansen took Madi to the show. She needed to be there. Rich wanted her to be there. Last year at this time, the most beautiful boy in the world said to me, "You have to let me go in peace."

More than two years ago I was teaching at a business school downtown. I think it was a November, wintry morning and I ran out of gas on 79. I called Rich, of course. He had to hurry up and get himself and Madi ready, drop Madi at daycare and go fill up the gas can. And, still he got to me so fast. He seemed a little annoyed and he had every right to be. Later that day, he said to me, "If something happens to me I have to know that you can take care of yourself and Madi." Even then he knew something was wrong. He knew - and somewhere inside of me, I knew, too. Crying, I told him, "Nothing is going to happen to you. You are stuck with me forever." I wanted to scream, "Nothing can happen to you! I need you! We need you!" But, I knew I couldn't.

Rich's favorite song as a little boy was "Crocodile Rock". I always picture Elton John on the Muppet Show when I think of that song. There are so many Elton John songs that make me think of Rich - especially, "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues".

Well, when all hope is gone, sad songs say so much. I married a music man, a piano man. I gave him all my heart. He didn't mean to go breaking it. I feel the pain of scars that won't heal. Lord, I miss Rich, I miss him so much. His are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen. The sun has definitely gone down on me. My children saved my life tonight, every night. And I do want him to be free to fly, high away. I can't believe I'm still standing. Maybe I am a true survivor. Yes, I feel his love tonight. I know I can't hold him forever. But, I think it's gonna be a long long time...

Now do you see how Elton John is trying to kill me?

Contact me: denirust2004@yahoo.com