We walked outside and she picked a dandelion. She said, "I wish daddy could come down." and blew it. I told her that was a beautiful wish.

I'm scared all the time. We were partners. No matter the setback or failure or disappointment, we faced it together. I don't believe we had a relationship that I lost myself in. But, I'm lost without him. I used to be a whole person. I used to take care of myself. I used to have a personality. I used to love. I used to care. I used to be a lot of things.

Whatever setback or disappointment or failure I encountered - it didn't matter because I knew I could go home and collapse into him and he'd tell me that I'm strong and smart and brave and the day would melt away until it was just us - together we could do and be anything. I feel like nothing. I just want him. It's so wrong without him. I don't know what to do. My strength and security and love is all gone. I'm so scared.

I came across a sketch book the other day. I never saw it before. It has a thick black cover and a spring spine. It has a purple and blue square of art work on the cover. It has an elastic band that holds it closed. I see "rich rust" twisted in the design.

When I pulled back the cover I saw his handwriting. I saw a clipping of something so abstract I couldn't identify it. Page after page had clippings and handwriting. Finally, I began to read the words and realized it was songs. I found a book of dreams. I found a book of creativity. I found a book of poetry and beauty written by a man who knew his time on Earth was limited.

As I turned through the pages I looked for me. I so badly wanted to find a song he wrote about me. I found clusters of words. I found sentences that didn't end. I found scribbles and drawings that I traced with my fingers and pressed my lips against. I watched the ink spread and smear before I realized my tears fell and splashed the page.

I find myself looking at objects in the house and categorizing them into "with Rich" or "without Rich".

I want to tell him that I'm sorry, but I just can't do this.