Madi and I went to Target last night. I wanted to get a picture album and a couple frames that hold several pictures. I want to hang a collage of pictures of Rich in each of the kid's rooms. I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. I suddenly got really hot and dizzy. Madi kept pointing to certain products like shaving cream and toothpaste and saying, "Daddy, home." I would say, "Yes baby, daddy uses that."

It's very difficult to be in public. I feel like half of me is missing. I wonder if strangers can see the pain on my face and that's why they smile at me. I'm afraid I'll run into someone I know and burst into tears.

Of course, I cry daily and Madison will touch my face and say, "No cry, mommy." And I'll say to her, "Okay honey I won't cry."

When we returned home from the store, as we were getting out of the car, Madison began waving and saying, "Hi daddy." I got a little freaked out because I want to believe he is with us - just in a different frequency (as Phil would say). I guess for a spilt second I thought Madi could see him. I didn't know what to do so I asked her where he is. She said, "At work." I said, "No baby, daddy is in heaven, but you can say hello to him anytime." I looked up to the sky - then so did she and we said hello to daddy.

Madi doesn't ask where Rich is. As I said before I think she somehow knows. But she will say that she wants to see him or she wants him. She'll also say, "Daddy sick." I tell her yes he was sick and he had to go bye-byes, but he feels better now and he loves us very much. I tell her I'm sorry and that we will be okay. She accepts this, but it breaks my heart everyday that she has to be without him. I'm going to call The Caring Place for both of us to get some help. I also am looking for children's books to help explain to her where he is.

As much as it hurts that he can't be with her, I'm grateful she is so young she doesn't have to feel the ache and sorrow I feel. Ethan is going to be another story. He won't even have pictures of himself with his father. But again, even though I'm sure there will be some sense of emptiness in them, at least they won't feel the agony of his death. They will see pictures and videos of him young and beautiful and happy and healthy.