It's so hard to do the little things - such as, get out of bed or take a shower. It is almost impossible to go shopping. I cried all through Giant Eagle with Madi this evening. I don't want to answer the phone or open the mail. I still haven't gone to work. It is also hard to care about doing any of these things. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. However, I did finally talk to The Caring Place today. Madi and I are going to an orientation on March 1st. Also, I'm going to a grieving group in North Hills tomorrow.

It is so strange - my emotions literally change moment by moment. One minute I'm smiling at something cute Madi is doing or I just happen to feel strong, and the next minute my crying uncontrollably and feel as though I just can't hold it together any longer. I try to remember my promises to Rich: I won't fall apart and I'll take care of the kids. I'm just so sad. I can't imagine having to live 40+ years without him. I can't imagine this pain ever going away or even fading. My stomach is twisted with anxiety. I'm not worried about myself. I'm worried that Rich is sad or lonely. I'm trying hard to believe he isn't and that he is watching us and guiding us. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint him. I'm afraid of having to make all the decisions. I'm afraid of going on.
I find myself thinking of very strange things. For example, if Rich had to be taken from me, I'm thankful it wasn't by an act of violence. I definitely would not be able to recover from that. That's probably so weird to think about - I don't know why I do. Maybe it is because I keep staying up late and watching shows like Justice Files, Forensic Files and Cold Case Files. I've always liked these sort of shows. I guess I use them as an escape.

Our family and friends have been extremely helpful over the past few weeks. My sister Kathy stayed for a month. Before Kim had to leave, they organized all of our bills. Kathy wrote out checks for me to sign and mailed them out. She set up meetings with an attorney and made sure I went to them. She did the grocery shopping and took Madi to daycare. My brother Butch comes over a few nights a week and stays with me. He brings doughnuts and pizza. He took care of Rich's car and had mine inspected. I didn't even know it was time. The Heinnickles, Dudeks, Demonts, Hansens, Pazins and Masleys call or stop by or go out to eat with us or at least try to get me to do something. I've received many e-mails with words of encouragement. John G., from the Distractions, brought me a CD of new songs he and Rich were working on. I haven't been able to listen to it yet, but I'm grateful to have it. Paige brings me the mail that goes to Friends of Rich Rust. Mary sleeps over and brings Coke (the cola) and she put me in touch with a financial advisor and a malpractice attorney. Kim is coming back from California to stay with us for a week. Her Aunt Bonnie is going to do our taxes. I like to go over to Phil's store The Open Mind. Something about that place and the people there helps me to feel better. I think it's because they all believe Rich is still with me and we'll be together again. I'm very thankful to everyone who calls or stops by or e-mails. Please don't stop - even if I'm not that talkative. I want people around.