It is exactly one month since I lost my soul mate, best friend, partner, husband and father of my children. I am trying hard to work through this. Everyday I remind myself of my promises to Rich. This is the only way I can get through the day. Please know that I do not feel sorry for myself and I am not weak. I am broken-hearted. I know I will never get over losing him, but I also know I will eventually find the strength to move forward. Rich will help with that, but it will take a great deal of time.

A counselor told me the other day not to allow people to tell me how to grieve. I never imagined someone would try to. But, someone very close to Rich did just that. She told me, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself! You want everyone to feel sorry for you!" She continued, "Your baby cries for no reason - just like you do! Pull yourself together and take care of your child!" There were more angry, harsh and baseless words. I cried and cried, but bit my tongue and tried not to yell and scream in front of Madison - who by the way was right there. I realize she was speaking from pain and anguish and I forgive her. But, I haven't the strength to be someone's outlet. Obviously, I need it for myself and my children. Apparently, grief is selfish.

If you know me at all then you know I'm trying. Madison is clean and fed and happy. I take my prenatal vitamins each day and keep up with my doctor's appointments. I've been to grieving groups and a psychologist. I speak with a counselor over the phone and I've made arrangements to attend The Caring Place. I try to write down my feelings because it is some how therapeutic. Plus, I want Madi and Ethan to have a strong connection to their father and understand how much we loved each other. I want to be honest with them. I don't want them to grow up with unresolved issues about the death of their father. One of Rich's biggest fears is that Madi won't remember him. No one can have any idea how painful that thought is for me. So, I refuse to let that happen. I told him I would never let that happen. I feel sorry that Madi and Ethan were cheated out of such a wonderful loving man. I feel sorry that Rich was cheated out of raising his children. Rich loved his children and I know being a father was his greatest joy. This is what I feel sorry about. It literally makes me sick. And okay, I do feel sorry I was cheated out of unconditional love. Rich knew everything about me and loved me anyway. If I do feel sorry for myself - I think I have the right to do so!

The Caring Place explained to me it is okay to cry in front of Madi and let her know that I am sad and miss daddy. They told me to say to her, "I intend on being here for you and I will take care of you." Madi points to pictures of Rich and says, "There is daddy!" She sings songs about him and tells me she wants to see him. My heart breaks again and again. But, I talk to her about him and she points to the sky and says, "Daddy, heaven."

I will take care of myself and my children. I will not let anyone tell me how to grieve or how much time is appropriate to do it. I'm allowed to cry and I don't feel pathetic or fragile for doing it. I will grieve for a long time and anyone who ever met Rich or Madi will understand why. If they don't then they have to work through their own issues.

I love Rich with all my heart. I love him more than my life. Words can't express how much I miss him. My heart aches and beats slower than it used to. This will never change or fade. It is a daily fight to get rid of the images of how sick and of how much pain he was in. I'd rather not be judged. I'm trying as hard as I can.