My emotions still come in waves. I imagine this will continue for quite a long while. I went to Joann Fabrics yesterday to purchase memory books for Madi and Ethan. I plan on putting the journals I'm writing plus all the emails I receive about me and Rich and the newspaper articles, etc. in them for the kids to have. While I was checking out, the cashier said, "Oh, you're making memory books, how nice". I burst into tears. I felt silly and out of control, but I couldn't help it. I was holding my breath to keep it in, but it was too powerful. She was sympathetic and told me she lost her father a few months ago. I apologized to her because I certainly do not want to make anyone uncomfortable. As I left, she held my hand and said, "He is always alive in spirit".

I'm beginning to see Rich's sense of humor and spirit emerge in Madison. The other night we were lying in bed and I was reading ("When Bad Things Happen to Good People"). Madi was trying to fall asleep, but she wanted a bottle. I put the bookmark in the book and set it on the night table. When I returned she was lying in the exact spot I had been with the book mark on the table and the book open as if she was reading it. The book was upside down. As soon as I stepped into the room she burst into laughter as if she had been waiting for my reaction. We laughed together and she made me feel better. It was such a Rich thing to do! I could just image him whispering the plan to her. And I know he put her up to it to cheer me up a little. I'm so lucky to have her. And we both are lucky that Ethan is on his way. I will always have Rich in them.

I've been trying to stay positive and not slip into a deep depression. I have several books lined up to read. Kathy Eury sent me some. Joelle Demont gave me one and a high school friend of Rich's, Jessica who lives in Beijing, emailed me to tell me she was sending one she thinks I should read. Jessica and I have never met.

Among the things I've been thinking about is what some people did for themselves in reaction to Rich's initial diagnosis. For example, both of Rich's parents, who were long time smokers, quit. Todd Demont also quit smoking. My best friend Kim, who now lives in Orange County, CA, went to see a dermatologist. Kim had a one inch birthmark on her left side for as long as she can remember. I considered it her beauty mark. She had her PCPs look at it on different occasions and all said it was nothing out of the ordinary and certainly nothing to be concerned with. They chose not to remove it because it was a hassle and would leave her with a nasty scar. However, after Rich was diagnosed, she decided to have a dermatologist look at it. That doctor told her it was a cancerous time bomb and should be removed right away. It left a four inch scar on her side, but it is healing nicely and since then that doctor has removed 11 suspicious moles from Kim. Her husband Steve is now keeping a close eye on his own moles with regular visits to the dermatologist… Our friend Scott went to have an entire body scan as a preventative measure. My brother in law, Bill, went to his doctor and they found a precancerous mole which was immediately removed. Madison's pediatrician now wants her to see a dermatologist to look at her birthmark that every doctor told us is no problem and will be gone by the time she is eight. I want to know if others did something for their health in response to Rich's cancer.

I'd like to think that Rich's life saved lives. If Rich's short life was meant to save others, then it is slightly easier for me to accept it. It will make a beautiful story for me to share with our children. Rich was selfless and dare I say altruistic - he would have wanted that.