I returned to work yesterday, Monday the 23rd, for the first time since Rich passed away. Well, I did stop in once with my sister Kathy and Kelly. The students were nice and many hugged me and told me they were sorry about my husband. They wanted to touch my belly and know more about the baby. Yet, I was still terrified of returning. I'm afraid one of the kids will say something mean or insensitive and I'll fall apart.

I felt okay in the morning. My sister Maureen stayed over to help get Madi ready and take her to daycare. This is important because it was Rich's job to take Madi to school. Now, it's mine and it's a huge reminder of the new void in my life. I was okay driving to work until I was about a block away. I had one of the biggest anxiety attacks I've had, yet. It probably took me an hour to pull myself together and stop crying.

It was hard for me to act normally because I don't know what normal is anymore. Co-workers tried to joke with me as we used to, but I don't know how to respond. A behavioral specialist said, "I see you've been eating". It was funny, but I'm afraid to laugh. I left halfway through the day and didn't go in today. I'll try to spend the whole day there tomorrow. I don't want to lose my job, but I'm so apathetic about everything (except my children) that I don't care. Nothing can hurt me more than I hurt right now.

It's hard to feel any kind of happiness because I feel so guilty. I feel as though I have been plunged into a world in which I do not want to exist. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to say. I'm a different person now and I don't know who she is. I don't think I like her. I don't want to be her. I want to be with Rich.

Rich made life easier and enjoyable.
We would laugh and relax together.
His intelligence, humor and creativity would amaze me everyday. I felt so lucky that he loved me. That he chose me to have a family with. The stresses of the day would melt away in his presence. I was comfortable and strong. I had goals and he helped me to achieve them. I never would have gotten through graduate school with out him.
He helped me stay focused and grounded.
He helped me to recognize and appreciate what is important in life - not to worry about the little insignificant things in life.

I once was a very self-destructive person. I never trusted people or let anyone get too close to me. Rich taught me how to love and accept love. He taught me how to trust my instincts and feelings. Now he is gone and everything is wrong. I feel as if I'm in a nightmare and I'm still hoping to wake up from it all. But, I wake up to being slapped in the face with the reality of the sweetest man I'd ever known is gone forever.

I am a single mother. This has always been one of my biggest fears. My sister Maureen and I walked out of a restaurant with Madi last night. Madi wanted to play that game when we each have one of her hands and count 1-2-3-weeeee!! And swing as we walked. It broke my heart because it's Rich and I who are supposed to hold her hands. It was wrong. Then I thought about how it's just me and Madi now - I can't swing her by myself.

I grew up without a father and I desperately wanted my children to have an intact happy healthy family. When Rich and I met I knew he would be a wonderful father. And I was right. I always told Madi how lucky she was to have such a funny silly daddy. Of course, I'll still tell her this and Ethan too.