It has been an unbearable week. Maybe I'm coming out of the shock of it all. It is almost as if there was a haze of confusion and disbelief that is beginning to clear. Still, my tears sting my face more than a few times a day. There is a concentrated heavy pain in my chest. I wonder if people really can die of a broken heart. If that were true, I'd have been gone weeks ago. On the last day of Rich's life I told him I would switch places with him if I could. He grimaced to let me know he wouldn't want that. As much as I wanted to take that cancer from him and feel that pain for him, I would not want him to have to endure what I'm feeling now. Although, Rich had better coping skills and he would have handled tragedy with courage and grace.

I am being forced into the reality Rich is gone and not coming back. I am now being required to face all the responsibility and decision making alone. I was on the phone with my sister who was telling me a story which began, "At the hospital, after Rich died..." All I could hear was "Rich died". It felt as if that was the first I heard of it. My heart collapsed and beat wildly in my stomach. I became light headed and thought I might lose consciousness. I held my breath so I wouldn't cry. But, as usual, the feeling was too powerful. My sister felt she said something wrong. I assured her that there isn't anything anyone can say or do to cause me more misery. I have to get used to the words even though they make me sick. Rich died...

Madison talks about Rich everyday. She'll usually say, "Daddy sick". I tell her, "He is not sick anymore. He is in heaven and he loves us very much". Sometimes when the phone rings she becomes excited and says, "It's daddy!" I explain that daddy can't call us, but we can look at his picture and talk to him when we want to. She has become very protective of me in the last few weeks. She was always daddy's girl and only wanted him. She would even push me away if I tried to kiss her or Rich. She made it very clear that Rich belonged to her. I would call her Electra. Now, she hugs and kisses me all the time. She rarely lets me out of her sight. She even defends me. For example, we went to lunch with my brother and when the check came we both reached for it. My brother scooped it up and Madi yelled at him, "That's mommy's!" Kelly doesn't approve of some of the books I'm reading (She is very old testament) and jokingly hid them. Madi was outraged and let Kelly know it. This is Rich coming through her - trying to keep me strong.

I am trying hard to believe Rich is in a better place and at peace. But, I can't stop worrying about him. I've said this before, but I'm so afraid he is lonely or missing us. My oldest sister once told me many years ago that one day I'll need something to believe in. She was right. I'm frantically searching. I'm especially searching for something to teach Madi and Ethan. I don't want them to feel the void I feel. I want to give them more of an answer than, "God decided it was his time". What I've come to believe is that God did not take him. Cancer took him - it was an uncontrollable tragic fate. I can't believe or trust in a God that would pluck a young father from his family because of some bigger plan or higher need. No one needs Rich more than us. I'm starting to believe we are here to learn a life lesson. We learn it and move on. Then in the next life we are to learn another one. (Kelly hates this theory) Eventually we are here to teach the lessons we have learned. Part of me believes Rich was here to teach us. Everyone who knew him learned something from his short life and heartbreaking death. I feel him in my heart and believe he is watching over us. I even speak out loud to him. I want so desperately to believe he hears me and guides me. Rich died...but his love has not. It will get me through this.