I find myself wanting a mother who will hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. She'll hold me tight and assure me I can get through this. She'll tell me she loves me and that I'm strong. Each night I catch myself saying, " I just want to go home". I tell myself, "I hate myself". I don't even know what this means. Then, I realize that I'm the mom. I can't believe this is my life. This is my home. I need to assure my children we can do this. I will protect them. I will teach them. I have to be able to do this. I need to make sure they feel love and safety. It's my job to be the protector. I hurt so much that I don't know if I can do this. We were supposed to do this together. Rich, I need you - I love you - I want you so bad. My worst nightmare has come true. I want to be with you so badly. I choke, I scream, I cry. I have panic attacks and a constant throbbing pain in my chest. I'm desperate for some relief. I'm trying so hard to not let this destroy me.

I want to wake up in any year prior to 2001. I would relive anything to have the foresight regarding that mole. Anytime I hear a date that is before the cancer I want to go there. I want to just say, "Hey, let's make an appointment to get rid of that mole." I had a hard adolescence. I was near death with anorexia. I had scoliosis and wore a back brace that wrapped around my neck and ran the length to my hips. I still have scars from the plastic slicing into my hips because I literally had no fat to pad my bones. I remember my sisters' cries when the anorexia was discovered. I remember the smell of hot plastic at the brace clinic. I remember my abdomen tight with fear when they wrapped the plaster around me to create the mold for the brace. I remember feeling inferior. I have nightmares that the brace is still part of my life. I don't understand - I'll never understand - why he was taken from us? He made me whole. He was the best thing in my life. He made me feel normal. He loved me and I did not take that for granted.

I feel as if strangers can hear my thoughts. When I'm in public I think people can hear me screaming that I need help. "Please help me!! It hurts so much. Why did this happen?? Please! Make this pain go away. Please! I want to wake up." They can see the pain on my face. "Oh my God - I hurt!! Please don't hurt me! Please don't be rude! Don't be mean to me. I can't take it. I can't take it! I can't take it! Please! I can't take it!"

Ethan is here and he is amazing. He is perfect. He is Rich. I think he saved my life. Two people have told me he was singing. Rich's Aunt Judy swears Rich sang as a newborn. So, for people to say this was such an assurance that he was there with me. When Rich passed away, he hemorrhaged in his right eye. The cord was wrapped around Ethan's neck and caused a broken blood vessel in his right eye. Ethan has skinny legs like Rich. His eye lashes are so long and unruly. Rich used to tickle me with his eyelashes. They would rub against his glasses and annoy him. Sometimes there would be a wild wiry one that he would have to cut. Ethan is so much Rich. He is here just in time to save me. There is so much grief in this world. How do people get through it? I ache constantly.

How can I feel so much joy and pain at the same time? It can't be natural - it can't be healthy. If this is what life is, I'd rather be dead. But, at the same time I want to be with my children. I love them and need them. I'm so confused. I'm so manic. I know they need a strong mother. I want to be her. I don't know if I can be her. I have to be her. Please, dear God give me the strength to be her! My kids need her. Rich, I need your help to be her.

I woke up Tuesday morning (5/11/04) at around 2 am. I was very uncomfortable and realized I had been getting up at least every half an hour. Then I realized I felt as if I was having cramping. I thought, "Surely I am not in labor. We agreed on the 19th!" I decided to stay awake to pay attention to the pain. Sure enough - I had horrible cramping about every 5 minutes. I was so afraid it was a false alarm I didn't want to call anyone. Madi and I were alone. I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing. Finally, around 3:30 am, I was so concerned, I called my sister in Mt. Lebanon, but there was no answer. I called Grammy, but she was really sick - she had been in the ER earlier that day. I got dressed and packed some clothes for me, Madi and Ethan. I was just about to drive to Allegheny General Hospital, but then decided I shouldn't in case the pain became too intense while I was driving. We called 911.

I think it took about 10 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. They came with two police cars. They couldn't quite find the apartment so Madi and I walked out to meet them. I carried her because I was too distressed to put on her shoes. The lights freaked Madi out a little, but the paramedics and the police were great with her. The police gave her a teddy bear. The paramedics got her car seat and some toys out of our car. They strapped her into the ambulance and talked to her and assured her everything was okay. One of the police officers asked me if I called my husband or boyfriend. I guess he wondered why I was alone so close to my due date. I began to cry and told him we lost him to cancer in January. He said he was sorry and wished me luck and closed the ambulance doors.

Madi was fine by the time we were on the road. I could hear her saying to the paramedics, "Look at my paints." We painted her finger and toe nails earlier that night. She loves painting her nails. They let her know the siren was about to come on and told her not to be frightened. She was singing by the time we reached the hospital.

The paramedic who was in the back with us called what I assumed to be the hospital from a cell phone as we were on our way. He was telling them my vital signs and our ETA. As he was talking I kept saying, "Tell them I want an epidural. Tell them I want an epidural". He hung up the phone without telling them. I didn't care for that at all. But, then he suggested I use the phone to call someone. I called Linda and Kim from the ambulance.

We arrived at the hospital at 4:15 am. They lifted Madi out of the ambulance in her car seat and strapped her into a wheelchair. She excitedly yelled, "Come on mom!" They took us to labor and delivery. Linda was already there and Kim arrived shortly. The first nurse I saw asked me how I felt. I said, "I'd like and epidural, please." She asked me if I was dilated. I said, "I don't know!" She seemed irritated and said, "Well, I have to ask!" I burst into tears and told her about Rich. She was nothing but nice to me from that moment on. In fact, Linda heard her be extremely forceful on the phone with anesthesiology to get them there for my epidural. And this was after the intern checked me and told me I was already 9 or 10 cm dilated and couldn't have one. I am not sure if I actually said this or thought it, but my response was, "Well, then you are going to have to kill me because I can't take anymore pain." Shortly there after I received the epidural.

Kim was at my side through it all. I don't know what I would do without her. She has been a great amount of support for me. She held Ethan before I did and even cut the cord. I didn't think I'd want anybody to do that - it was Rich's job. But, I didn't mind that Kim did it and it was special for her. Linda took care of Madi. She made sure Madi was safe and fed and happy - this is the biggest concern for me - Madi's happiness. Linda made several phone calls to my family and friends to let everyone know what was going on. I know I'm lucky to have such loving and supportive friends and family.

When the day of Ethan's birth arrived I thought I would need to be sedated. I thought I would just want to be knocked unconscious. I thought I could never get through it without Rich. I didn't want to do it without him. I don't know how I did it without him.

I have yet to take a picture of Ethan. I'm afraid of our cameras. Our digital camera and our 35mm camera have pictures in them from the holidays. Same for our video camera. (Our last Christmas together is on it - opening presents with Madi - it was our 11th Christmas together.) I don't want to see or remember Rich looking so sick. I still fall asleep with the television on to keep myself from thinking of it. Thankfully, Kim, Mary and Pappy have taken pictures. A friend said nothing could be worse than living through his illness so seeing pictures shouldn't be that bad. (Or something like that - I know what he meant.) I'm going to make myself get out the 35mm this weekend.

Madi is wonderful with Ethan. Her face was filled with joy when she first saw him. She touched him and kissed him. She always wants to hold him. She talks to him and tries to comfort him when he cries. She immediately goes to him in the morning when she wakes up. She picks out books and toys for him when we are at the store. She is gentle and protective of him. At first, she didn't even want anyone except me to hold him.

Rich had a freckle on the center of his right cheek. Strangely, I have a new freckle on the center of my left cheek. It was never there before. It suddenly appeared a couple of weeks ago. The other night I dreamed Rich died for only 5 days. Then he started to breathe again. He was healthy and strong. The mistake had been corrected. He was ours again. I told him about my new freckle and he told me he kissed my cheek and gave it to me to match his. He wanted to prove to me that love is stronger than death.

(My e-mail hasn't been working for awhile - so I opened denirust2004@yahoo.com)