Every minute of everyday I have to remind myself not to scream out loud. There is a constant screaming in my head. I wish it would stop. I told Kim about the screaming. With a concerned look on her face, she suggested I talk to someone about it. I assured her it is my own voice I hear - not some demons telling me to do bad things or anything. It's my voice I hear. The words sometimes change, but the urgency and the pleading never do. It's usually screaming, "No, this is not happening!!" Sometimes it screams, "I'm so sorry!!" or "Please don't leave me - I need you!!" On really bad days it's something like, "I want my husband! I want my Rich Rust! He didn't do anything wrong! Give him back to me! No! Wait! This is happening too fast! I need time to fix this! Who are you to take him from me?!?!" I just need more time to figure out how to fix this...

I'm so afraid and sad and no one can help me. I decided not to seek out any professional therapists because they can't tell me anything I haven't thought of on my own or could read in a book. Besides, it's not my mind that is damaged, it's my soul.

I love Madison and Ethan. I don't want to damage them, but I so badly want to let go. I fight it everyday. I tell myself to just get through this day. Then Madi will say something that warms me. She makes me smile and laugh. She literally warms my heart. I can't believe how cold I've become and then I realize that I'm so lucky to have this amazing kid. I see him in her. I hear him in her. I smell him in her. He speaks to me through her. We were sitting on the couch when I was giving Ethan a bottle the other night, she looked up at me with her Rich Rust blue eyes and asked, "Mommy, are you happy?" I bit my lip and told her that yes, I am so happy that I have her and Ethan, but I miss daddy terribly. She woke up late the other morning and after about 15 minutes, she said, "Daddy is still sleeping." I said, "I have no doubt about that."

She has been insisting that we listen to daddy's songs lately. These are the songs that Rich and John had been working on that are now The Rich Rust Experience. The song "Heavy Year" sends me in to convulsions. I've mentioned this before. Some of the words say, "I hope that she'll forgive me." I know he is talking to me about the cancer. As hard as I tried not to, I cried when the song came on the other night in the car. Madi got a little upset and asked me why I was crying. I told her the song made me sad because it reminded me of daddy. She said, " Turn it off then!" in a very - stop torturing yourself - tone! Did I mention she just turned 3 on December 20th? Her three year old check up included a hearing test. She was supposed to say, "beep" when she heard the beeps during the test. Instead, she sang them back to the nurse in the same tone and frequency (or whatever that would be called) as she heard them. The nurse was absolutely impressed! Madi is a singer like her dad.

At the end of the exam she was allowed to choose a sticker from this huge drawer. She has done this several times, but this time she was adamant about finding an angel. I was in the other room with Ethan as they looked through the stickers. The nurse, of course, wanted to send Madi on her way and was trying to speed up the selection. I could hear her saying, "Ohh look, a rainbow!" or star or flower or smiley face. But, Madi kept saying, "No I want an angel." Finally, Madi excitedly yelled, "Look! There is an angel!!" The nurse was also excited, but seemed disappointed when she said, "Oh, but it says Richard on it." Okay, I don't really have to describe how crazy that is, do I? It was an angel that had Richard printed on it!!! She wore it on her hand the rest of the day! I had to explain it to the nurse, but once she realized, she was sure it was a message from Rich.

And then there is my Ethan. His eyes keep me alive - they are so big and blue. His eye lashes are so long! Rich used to have to curl his eye lashes to get them out of his view! Seriously, they are so much Rich. He is a daily reminder of how much I have. Nearly every time we are out - whether it be Giant Eagle, the mall, or a restaurant - some stranger tells me how beautiful his eyes are. I tell them, "they're his dad's". They are a constant reminder that I still have Rich. Ethan is a musician like his dad. He holds one hand above his head, looks up at it and moves each finger one at a time. Then he does it to the other hand. He moves each finger individually. His fine motor skills are amazing. He is so much Rich. I'm not sure who to thank about that, but I am thankful. I swear he has been saying "Da Da" the past few weeks. He is a piano player like his dad.

We bought a house in the North Hills. We are in the North Allegheny School District which is what Rich and I wanted. I know this district can be snobby, but I'm positive that the chromosomes they received from Rich will keep them level headed and grounded and spectacularly gifted.

Coincidently, the house is 11 doors down from the one Rich and I bid on last year, but didn't get. He mentioned it in one of his entries. It's pretty much the exact same house except this one has a better yard. The one Rich and I bid on had a pool - which we could not have cared less about. This one has a fabulous, flat yard and a huge swing set that has 2 swings, a baby swing, a rocket kind of thing, a climber that reaches an enclosure that has a telescope, and a sliding board! It also has a great enclosed deck right off the kitchen. It's a small house, but it is enough for me and the monkeys. This is actually the third house I bid on that was accepted. The inspections were so poor on the first two I had to withdrawal the offers. Kim saw this one the day it went on the market. We drove up to it and I didn't even need to go inside. I knew it was the one. I was the first bid and it was immediately accepted.
Later, Kim drove down the street to see the one we bid on last year. I'm not sure, but I think she cried. She knew Rich was behind us getting this house. We even joked that the previous owners just woke up one morning thinking they should move. We would tease, they didn't know where they were going, but they knew they should sell the house to me. Kim spent many a late nights with me (and sometimes without me) at the house. We painted the kids rooms. This is when I became aware that I suck at painting! I painted Ethan's room while Kim and her sister Wendy painted Madi's room. They did a much better job than me! Have you ever removed wall paper? Now that sucks! Kim and I removed a bunch from Madi's room - the skin on my hands has still not recovered! My sister Kathy removed all the wall paper from the kitchen and the bathroom. How she accomplished this is a mystery to me. She possibly possesses super human strength. She does work out alot? She also got almost everything organized for me, too.

Kathy and Butch moved us into the new house while Kim and I went to London (and Paris). I know this sounds fabulous and on some level it was, but it was an arduous adventure for me. As much as I love Kim, this was a trip that Rich and I should have taken. I cried alot - more than Kim actually witnessed. I did have a good time. And Kim is a person I am completely comfortable with. (Remember - she actually witnessed Ethan's birth!) Kim knows all my weaknesses and shortcomings - and likes me anyway. I'll say more about the trip next entry.

After the trip, there was still alot of packing and moving to do. Rich's clothes were the hardest. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go near them without smelling them and crying into them. Matt Dudek did it for me. We had three bathrooms in the old house. In each one I found numerous types of pain killers. He had pills, liquids, salves, ointments, rubs, soaks - you name it. I couldn't believe it. My God, how long had he been in pain? How could I have not known?

Ethan and Madi are at a new daycare/preschool in Wexford. Kim's boys go to the same center. Kim let the directors and staff know of our loss. So far I like it. Madi seems happy. In fact, she has been exhausted after school each day. Plus, she plays with Alec, Kim's 3 year old, each day. There is something about our children being best friends we like. Although, sometimes they clutch each other and roll around on the floor as they kiss on the mouth... I guess at some pre-teen, grossly hormonal stage we'll have to put a stop to that! Ethan and Nathan are in the infant room together. Those two are 10 days apart. (Kim and I planned that while sipping wine on Rodeo Drive the summer of 2003.) The boys were actually due 1 day apart! When Nathan was born, me, Madi and Ethan went to visit him. Kim laid Ethan and Nathan side by side on the hospital bed and newborn Nathan turned and started sucking on Ethan's head! It was so funny! Kim got a picture. We figure we'll whip it out on prom night in 18 years!

So anyway, going into the facility for the first time was difficult because each of the children has a family collage on the wall. The walls are decorated with smiling, healthy faces. Happy family pictures run the length of the walls. Pictures of moms and dads who seem to be screaming with joy. I scour their young faces and I think, "You are so lucky." They are not sick. I wonder, out of all these faces, why was it Rich that got sick? I swear I don't wish it on anyone else, but why Rich? All the father's faces glare at me and I feel so sorry for Madi and Ethan. I haven't been able to do it, yet, but we are going to make one. And Rich's sweet face will be where it belongs - next to me and our beautiful children. The infant room teacher made holiday gifts for the parents. It was a wreath made out of upside down puzzle pieces that were painted green. Of course, they were arranged in a circle and glued to hard stock paper. In the center was a picture of the baby. When I dropped Ethan off on that Monday, she gave it to me. She removed it from its packaging to show me. I smiled and said, "Thank you". As she put it back into the envelope she said, "So, take it home and show it to your husband." She turned away to continue with what she was doing. An uncontrollable wave of sadness came over me because I thought she didn't know. I choked out through my tears, "I lost my husband in January". She swung back around and said, "I know! I'm so sorry! As soon as I said that I realized! Please forgive me!" I assured her it was okay. I could see the horror on her face. I did not want her to feel bad. I think she wanted to hug me, but she seemed awkward about it. She then revealed her own family tragedy to me. She was letting me know she understands the magnitude of pain.

Later, I asked Madi, "What is Christmas?" She said, "It's when it snows and it's when you sit on Santa's lap and it's when you go ride the train at the mall." I don't know why, but in a very unlike me moment I said, "And it's when Jesus was born." If you know me you'd know this is a really strange thing for me to say. I went on to tell her, that is where dad is, with Jesus, because the doctors could not make him feel better. She looked at me so seriously and said, "I know, mom."

I was recently asked what has changed from last January to now. I couldn't answer the question. I honestly did not know the answer. So, I made myself think about it. When Rich died, I believed I lost everything. I believed I had no purpose or reason to go on. I honestly wanted to die. I could not imagine having to live 40+ years without him. In Rich Rust I had everything. I had strength, honesty, trust, compassion and so much more.

But now, I know how blessed I am to have Madi and Ethan. And in them I have the most beautiful part of our relationship. I try to take comfort in that they will never be disappointed in him or angry with him or ever have to see him old or in pain.
But, that doesn't take the pain away for me. Everyday stings. My tears sting. My throat stings. My thoughts sting. My dreams sting. The blood coursing through me stings. Just because I'm a year through it doesn't make it easier. And there are not good days and bad days. Everyday is bad, but I now have more bearable moments in the day.

The relationship Rich and I shared was more than many get to experience. For a moment, I had everything. I had this beautiful sweet boy. We fell in love and got married. We wanted so badly to have a family. Then there she was - an angel we called Madison. We had everything and asked for nothing. All we wanted was each other. We were happy. We did not take each other for granted. We just wanted to be a family. We didn't ask for ANYTHING!! We didn't do anything wrong! Why can't we just have each other? My baby turns eight months old two days before the anniversary of my husband being gone one year. It's not fair. Rich Rust did not do anything wrong. He didn't smoke, he didn't take drugs, he didn't drink too much, he wasn't mean - he didn't practice any risky behaviors. I don't understand. This has to be a mistake. How can someone so good be taken? He was stolen from us. He was ripped out of my arms. I am not in denial, but I guess I still can't believe this has happened.

Kathy gave me a silver angel to hang on the tree for Christmas. It's pretty and sweet and written on the wing reads, "The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." Ivy Baker Priest
I understand the words and I realize they are true, but I do not want a new beginning.