The other day the kids and I were in the car when Madi said, "Mom, remember my baby sister?" I said, "Honey, you don't have a baby sister." Confidently she replied, "I do. She is up in heaven with daddy." Okay. Rich and I had a miscarriage the Fall of 2002...? Okay. I believe her. It reminded me of when she was once standing quiet in the living room, tilted her head up to the sky, paused, and said, "What's daddy singing?"

Old Navy was having a baby clothes sale last weekend. Ethan already needs size 12-18 months. (He also shakes his head no, has two teeth and crawls backwards.) I got him some new jeans and shirts. There was a whole wall of baby baseball hats and he'll need something to keep the sun out of his eyes when we're outside. I picked a navy blue one with orange lettering. When I put it on him I immediately started to cry. I was amazed at how much he looked like Rich. I just kept staring at him - I couldn't believe it. Then I remembered the hat Rich wore around the house - I think they are exactly the same. This baseball hat is the one I plan on putting in Ethan's memory box. It's packed right now so I'm not sure where it is to actually compare them.

Last weekend the kids and I drove up to Toronto. Remind me to NEVER take that drive again with just me and two kids! We have done that before, but it was much different when Ethan was in the infant carrier and Madi was in pull-ups! The whole potty thing was terribly stressful! But I made a last minute decision to go because lately I've been getting into a deeper depression on the weekends. I can't let go of the way things are supposed to be. I keep thinking about what Rich and I might do with the kids...go to the park or the Children's Museum or the zoo or whatever. I imagine the four of us in the same bed on a Sunday morning. We would laugh and sing and scream with happiness. I want so badly to see him hug them and love them and be so delighted by them. I want to run my fingers across his red facial stubble and press my cheek and lips against it and smell him and smile and feel whole again. I want him to look into my eyes and touch my hair and kiss my face and tell me that he loves me. I can't let go. Do I really have to?

While we were visiting Toronto it was calm for me because I had a second pair of hands to help meet all of the kids needs. I am out numbered at home! My sister Kathy, who has been down here alot since my nightmare began, was really missing the kids. A few months ago she and her husband Ken moved to Toronto from Vancouver, BC. His job has taken them there temporarily. Vancouver is beautiful and that's where Rich and I took our first vacation together. But, I know my sister is very happy to be within driving distance of Madi and Ethan. She adores them and they had a great time visiting her.

I had an angel reading shortly after returning from Europe in November - the lady picked up on the whole - I can't let go - thing - right away. She told me I had to enjoy my children without guilt. She said this pain I feel is my issue and not theirs. She assured me they came into this life knowing they would be without him. She said Rich and I made a contract of what was to happen based on the lessons we needed to learn in order to ascend higher to God. Hence, I agreed to this. Apparently, I have alot more to learn than him. She said I have to believe the universe did what it was supposed to and all this will make sense later. But, what keeps me alive is - she said - we'll be together again.

While we were playing and talking and everything was fine in my sister's living room Madi asked, "Did my daddy die?" I breathed deep to hold it together like I always do and then replied, "Your daddy is in heaven, baby." With a bit more vehemence she again asked, "Mom, did my daddy die?" Her eyes gripped me tight and I had to answer, "Yes." She accepted this and went about playing. With tears streaming down, I sunk my face into Ethan's neck and tried not to scream. This will never make sense. How does it make sense to tell a little girl that her father is gone? As far as I'm concerned, this universe made a tragic mistake...

I have to start reading again - my mind is really unhealthy right now. I can't focus. I can't breathe. I can't talk. I can't write. Our birthdays are coming up (his on March 9th and mine is the 13th) we always had a party. He loved celebrating his birthday - he would have been 34 this year - it's so not fair and I can't stop crying. I had a party planned last year, but I ended up in Western Psych.! You can read about that lunacy at http://www.richrust.com/cgi-bin/deni-journal.cgi

I came upon an undeveloped roll of film. The possibilities of what was on it sent me into a frenzy of searching for more. Thankfully, this only lasted about an hour since most of our stuff is still packed! But, I did end up with 3 rolls of undeveloped film. I was terrified by what might be on it. I thought for sure when I had it developed I was going to see a 22 year old Rich. I would have been thankful to have the photos, but devastated to initially see them. So, after about 15 hours of agonizing over what I might see, I dropped the film to be developed. It turned out to be baby pictures of my niece, Fallyn. She turned 23 in January! The film was so old they couldn't even put it on photo paper. I was so afraid it was going to be pictures of him and at the same time I so badly wanted it to be of him.

So while I was looking for the film, I found a notebook that we used to set on my nightstand in this house we lived in on Semple Street in Oakland. He wrote me these silly sweet messages. He'd write poems and song lyrics and goofy illustrations. He'd leave little presents like rings from bubble gum machines next to them. These notes had to have been written within the first weeks of us knowing each other. I love seeing his hand writing. I love tracing it with my finger. I'm so thankful I found them. It's hard to believe he was only 22 years old. Some of the things he wrote was:

"You smiled with picture-perfect grace and I fell into a daze. The doors into your mind opened into something more than a devil's dream in a deep blue sea and the world collapsed... (it's from a song)" I have no idea what song this is...

"Hi, I was going to write something really sweet and disgustingly romantic, but I'm late for work. Maybe later."

"Deni is cute. No. Deni is beautiful. Yes. Well, both actually. If she didn't scare me so much I could probably fall madly in love with her, oh well, too bad..."

The following note, I came to realize, was lyrics from an Australian band called Hunters and Collectors. It's a song that the Nixon Clocks would cover and Rich would sing the lead vocals. It was always such a treat when they played it. Girls were always requesting it. When Rich sang it I could see them imagine it was for them, but it was mine and he sang it to me and within days of knowing each other he left me a note which read:

"I will come to you in the daytime and I will climb into your bed. I will kiss you in165 places as I go runnin' around your head. I will squeeze the life right out of you. I will make you laugh and make you cry and we will never forget it and I will make you call my name as you shout it to the blue summer sky..."

When I came across this song in that notebook I realized I didn't know where it came from. I figured it must have something to do with Crowded House or Neil Finn, Rich's favorite artist. I told Kim about it and that sent her on a search. What she found you'll have to be a parent of a young child and a fan of the Nixon Clocks and Crowded House to appreciate. The song is called "Throw Your Arms Around Me" and she came across Greg from the Wiggles singing a version of it! Rich would have found that very funny!

So, coincidently, the Finn Brothers were in town last night. Kim found out about it only a week ago or so. I had declared in my last entry that I wasn't going out again, but it was the Finn Brothers! Rich was a huge fan. I felt I should go for him. I actually bought the cd when we were in London because I thought Rich would have thought it was cool to have the UK version. I left the store crying hysterically and had to wait outside for Kim. This was in November and I finally listened to the thing - only because we were about to see them.
About a half an hour before I was to leave for the show I developed this pain in my chest. It was a tight kinda bruised feeling. At the show I was really on edge because I knew the music was going to make me cry. Because it's so much Rich. I think half the bands at the benefit show played a Crowed House song in his honor. I'll never forget Barry and those guys playing "Don't Dream It's Over" at the funeral home and at the benefit. show.

I was in absolute disbelief when the Finn Brothers played "Throw Your Arms Around Me" I didn't expect it at all. When the song began my chest was tight and it ached, but suddenly it loosened and I sang along and I felt Rich and he wanted me to enjoy it and so I did. I realized that Rich apparently changed the words ever so slightly! After that, I took in the music and I smiled and I felt happy and I knew he was with me. They even played "Don't Dream It's Over" and my heart felt warm.

After the show I had the opportunity to meet Neil and Tim Finn. I was a nervous wreck. I wanted to give Neil the Rich Rust Experience cd. Neil Finn donated items to be auctioned at the benefit and I wanted to thank him and tell him that he was an influence on Rich. My heart was pounding when I was talking to him about the cd and he said, "I sent you a note. There was a concert, right? I'm so sorry. I sent you a note." He wished me well and as far as the cd he said, "I'll give it a listen. I sent you a note." He went on to tell Kim and Donna that he was disappointed that I didn't get that note. It has to be somewhere, though. I think Todd probably has it because I remember him telling me he had something from Neil Finn he still had to give me. I've just been so antisocial...

My favorite cd of Neil Finn's is "Try Whistling This" - he autographed it for me. As he did I think he said, "I sent you a note." My favorite song is the title track. The end of the song reminds me of how I feel about Rich. I remember telling him it was my favorite song on the cd. He said, "That's the worst song on the cd." We listened to music very differently. I wish I would have told him the lyrics at the end of the song reminded me of how I felt about him. They are:

"if I can't be with you I would rather have a different face
and if I can't be near you I would rather be adrift in space
and if the gods desert us now I'll turn this chapel into flames
and if someone tries to hurt you I would put myself in your place"

There was one line in the notebook that shook me the most. We said this to each other every time one of us was leaving - even if it was just to go to the store. We said this to each other daily and it began within moments of meeting each other and he said it first:

"You're gonna miss me."

contact me: denirust2004@yahoo.com