There were about 18 adults and 6 kids at the house for Rich's birthday. So many people came with such little notice - quite a testament to the friends and support system Rich and I have. Madison was thrilled with daddy's birthday party. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a good idea or not. I wasn't sure if would be healthy or torturous. But, it turned out to be healthy and sweet and tasteful. I'm very happy that it actually happened and I plan on doing it each year, but I'll give my friends a little more notice next time. Steve Hansen gave the toast. He is always prepared with something completely kind and genuine and lovely to say. Of course, I couldn't help but to cry during it. My heart was pounding so hard that I can't remember exactly what he said. But, at the end he said we will always see Rich in Ethan.
The only other time I cried during the evening was when we brought out the cake and sang, "Happy Birthday" to him. I purposely waited until nearly everyone was gone before doing that. Again, I just didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I think it was good for both me and Madi, though. I just want things to be normal for our children. I never want them to feel that something is odd or missing in their lives. But there is...and I just don't know how to make it ok for them. I'm so afraid to make a wrong decision. Rich always knew what to do.
Ethan is now 10 months old. Time is passing so quickly. He weighed 20 lbs. and 6oz last week at his check up. He has 2 teeth and is crawling quite fluidly. He waves hello and good-bye (except for when I'm trying to show someone that he can!) He shakes his head "no" and claps his hands and like to growl. He squints his eyes when he smiles and laughs. He is beautiful. He looks like Rich. Constantly, the involuntary statement, "I want my husband" goes through my head. Ethan was in my bed on Saturday morning asleep with his back to me. "I want my husband" was continuously going through my head when Ethan turned toward me. He opened his eyes really big and just smiled. Then he turned back over and went back to sleep. I took that as a message from Rich - he is in them and I do have him.
I've decided I want to have a huge first birthday party for him. Rich would like that. Plus, I want to give Rich's extended family an opportunity to see the kids. This will be a difficult day. I have two months to get my head together. I'm a physical and mental mess. Starting tomorrow (Monday) I'm going to make an actual effort to get myself together. I'm going to the park for a walk no matter how cold it is. I'm going to take some vitamins and consider some grooming again! I'm going to make an effort to unpack some boxes, pay some bills and make some calls that I've been putting off. I should probably make a doctor appointment, too.
Bill had a St. Patrick's Day party last night. Kim, Angie and I went to it. His parties are always alot of fun and that group of friends is a comfortable crowd. We drank Guinness and played darts and I didn't cry at all. Bill had a burnt almond torte cake from Prantl's bakery in Shadyside for mine and a friend of his named Patty's birthdays. Everyone sang and I didn't even feel weird about it. As a birthday present to me, Bill and his friend Larkin created a new look for the richrust.com splash page. It will be up in the next couple of days. (Oh, I did cry when they showed it to me - it was very sweet.)
I've been obsessing over Neil Finn and Crowed House since the Finn Brothers show last week. I keep listening to "The Very Best of Crowed House" and Neil Finn's "Try Whistling This" over and over again and crying. Probably not healthy... I hope he listens the Rich Rust Experience CD. It really is fantastic. Madi always wants to listen to it in the car. His voice is so clear and alive it goes right through me. I absolutely cherish it and I am so thankful to John Goberish for recording it all. I'm so thankful to John, Matt Rust, Matt Dudek, Todd Demont, Bill Warnick, Rick Witkowski and Craig Maloney and everyone else for finishing the songs and creating the CD and playing the songs live. It is invaluable to me as it will someday be to our children as well. If you go to Rich's brother Matt's website (mattrust.com) and click on the "RR Exp on Pure Volume" link you can hear a few of the songs and view some CD information. You can also order the CD from Matt's site. Or, if you are interested in purchasing it you can just e-mail me and I'll get back to you with the details. It is magnificent - to have his voice like that.

contact me: denirust2004@yahoo.com