For the past four years I’ve managed to make a terrific mess of things. I broke my promise to Rich. I fell apart. I’ve been so busy wallowing in grief and being a victim that I neglected the world around me. I’ve been isolating and not communicating with my friends and family. I had myself trapped in a dark and daunting place - hopeless and joyless. It was easy to just be broken.

I was in a Partial Hospitalization Program for the past month - some intensive therapy. I have new meds and a team of new therapists. I'm feeling alot better. No more suicidal ideations, no more anxiety and panic attacks, no more sleeping the day away, no more fetal position, no more numbing and self-medicating. Rich fought my demons (eating disorders, depression, abandonment issues, etc., etc.) for nearly 11 years and for the past 4 they've been trying hard to kill me. I'm prepared to fight my own demons now. Only I can save me. I guess I should have gone to therapy years ago!!

I started back to work yesterday after being off the past month. It's a little weird, but good. I miss my group therapy! I'm a little sad, but I'm trying to just sit with it - because feelings can't kill me. I've numbed for so long - I have to let myself feel.

Emily, my therapist, is researching grief counselors for me - I'm ready for one. Acceptance of Rich’s death still eludes me. I have a recurring dream in which we know he is sick and going to die, but he doesn’t. Instead, I can’t find him. I don’t know where he has gone. He’ll leave me a voice mail, but I can’t catch all the numbers or I misdial over and over again. I can’t reach him. Sometimes in the dream he’ll return to tell me he is leaving us – that he loves someone else. I scream and slap and scratch at him. I wake up drenched, crying, grinding my teeth and heart pounding. It’s a nightmare.

I did begin to see a therapist when I first went back to work in December '05. But, the only reason I did was because I realized I liked a cute guy in the office. I really freaked myself out! It was accompanied by so much guilt. I beat myself up over it for weeks. My friend Tim assured me it was okay - that this person would be “in addition to – not instead of”. I couldn’t deal with it though. In fact, one day cute guy stopped at my office threshold and asked me what I was doing that weekend. Completely panicked, I handed him Rich’s obituary. Tim said, “that’s a problem”. This story actually gets better because it happened to be our wedding anniversary when he asked me that. So, after I freaked him out, I thought for sure it was some sign from Rich that he sent this guy to me. Needless to say, cute guy keeps his distance from me these days – I can’t even throw myself at him!
Since I’m already talking about delusions I’ve created, I did meet someone else I thought Rich sent me. Back in February I was at Café Euro with some coworkers. Two guys were sitting at the bar and I thought one of them was cute. So, completely out of character, I sent the two of them a drink. Tim thought it was a bad idea, but I didn’t care. I really don’t know what possessed me to do it. Then I saw the guy had on a wedding ring. I honestly didn’t give it another thought. Period. It was over.
I guess an hour or so later the other guy came over to me to thank me. Again, I still thought nothing of it. He asked me my name. Obviously, I said Deni. He said, “Are you Deni Rust?” which completely freaked me out. It turned out that he used to read the blog and emailed me a few times about it years ago. I remembered him. He was in med school in Buffalo and emailed me to tell me that not all oncologists were as bad as I felt RR’s was.
Over the next couple of weeks we ended up kissing and talking on the phone for hours. I should mention that way too much wine was involved on my part. It was strange, but exciting - I felt like he knew me - I could talk to him easily. He is deep, but somehow wounded and tortured - we didn't explore that yet because it's been all about me thus far. He mentioned he was dating someone, but I had the impression that it wasn’t serious. They went somewhere one weekend and I texted him “miss me?”. He later told me that he just wanted to leave where he was and come over when he received it. In fact, he said lots of things like: you have adorable ears; I love your laugh; one of the best kisses; soft lips; it's amazing kissing you; wants to meet kids; sitting here thinking about you; doesn’t usually feel this way; captivated by intelligence; always in good hands; I'd never hurt you; always be here for me; I love you and I’ll be your friend forever; what’s the L. stand for; what’s your maiden name… blah, blah, blah… Oh, and he said when he was driving home the night we met - he thought Rich might strike him with lightening. I told him to trust and believe that Rich wants me to be happy!
After all that this girl he is “dating” suddenly becomes his “girlfriend”. I got rather pissy about this and abruptly got off the phone with him. He called back and snapped, “Have you lost all fucking sense of reality!?” And something along the lines of the world doesn’t revolve around me. My reply, “Yes, as a matter of fact I have.” My head was a mess to begin with and then I had to decipher through all that. I found myself struggling between the facts and the possible fiction that my mind may have created. I thought I was really losing my mind. God, just typing it gives me a headache. He had me thinking I dragged him into my world of pain. I didn’t. He entered willingly. I wish he had never walked over to me that night. I would have never given it another thought. And Tim said the world does revolve around me!
I feel sad and hurt (way more than I thought even possible) about it, angry about it, a little embarrassed about kissing a stranger who seems to have turned out to be just a grief groupie. Plus, he is the first and only person I have kissed. I really didn't expect such an emotional reaction from myself. I almost feel silly. I haven't heard from him in about 3 weeks so I feel a little rejected. But, it's okay - it's just feelings - they can't kill me and the bad ones will eventually pass - I don't need to numb - I need to be alive. A friend said at least I know I’m still capable of feeling. Rich always told me the truth whether I wanted to hear it or not. I guess I forgot there are liars in the world. I always say Rich is the only one strong enough to love me anyway.

I need to focus on what’s important – Madi and Ethan and hanging on to my new found sanity. I was thinking the other day - there is no question I'd die for M and E, but I had to ask myself - Am I willing to live for them? That's scarier to me than dying. But, like I said - it's my turn to fight my demons. I feel me coming back. I feel as if there is a light again. I feel a certain energy return. I finally believe that in pain there is healing. I just need to hold on. My heart is broken, but I'm still alive - it's still beating. I’ve been spending alot of time in laughter. It's as if the gates of hell have opened and let me out.