Rich died. He died. He is dead.

I'm alive. Madi is alive. Ethan is alive. We are alive.

He is dead and nearly 6 years later, I still can't stop the tears...

I keep writing "dead" because I still need to believe it, accept it... I'm not being callous - I just need to accept it.

I met a boy, Patrick. He tells me he loves me. He tells me my sweetness and kindness makes him want to be a better person.

I want to love him, in fact, I do love him. He is bringing me back to life. He is making me laugh and be silly again. I smile when I think about him.

But, then my heart sinks. I love Rich. I feel as if I'm being unfaithful. I HAVE to let go. I love him and I'm allowed to, but he is gone and I can't let it rule the rest of my life.

Rich died. He died. He is dead.

I'm alive. And I love Madison - I love Ethan - I love Patrick.

I pray I finally found acceptance.

Temptation
posted October 14, 2009 at 00:43

"Oh, you've got green eyes"

"Oh, it's the last time, oh, it's the last time"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK3dkhYlbaQ

All of my favorites, New Order, The Affordadable Floors and Rich Rust. (Not necessarily in that order, lol)

I loved hearing the crowd scream when he walked on stage. The crowd always screamed for him.

I loved being in the bathroom at Nick's Fat City and could overhear girls talking and gigling about him. Then they would get embarassed when they realized I was in the room. I would just smile and appreciate their affection. I knew he would be in my bed that night. Oddly (maybe?) I liked that they liked him. I liked that others saw his beauty... Rich and I knew who we were. We didn't need rings, or papers or the gov't to tell us we were partners and we would love each other forever...We knew...

5.5+ years later. I'm still a mess. However, I'm putting forth an effort - not a huge one, but an effort nonetheless.

I took my wedding rings off. I still wear my Celtic Trinity ring. I wish to God I could remember when he exactly gave it to me. I know we were still in our 20's and I know he said, "It's for love that has no beginning and no end".

One will have to pry it off my cold dead hand. (Btw, whoever does - please give it Madi and tell her it's significance).

I want to talk about my new boyfriend, however after that - it doesn't seem appropriate...he deserves his own space. I made space in my heart for him. I'll make space on this blog for him, as well.

I will never make him compete with RR. He is an "addition to, not instead of" (thanks for your wisdom Tim)

I get to love him too. How lucky am I?